McIntosh Theater

The competition one act this year will be Meat Gone Bad, a crazy comedy set in a grocery store. Auditions are August 15, 16 and 17 after school, with call backs on the 18th and 19th. To audition, you will sign up for an hour-long slot on one of the three days. There is a sign-up sheet on the drama room door.

Here is the full-length script: Meat Gone Bad – you will need to be logged into your fcboe account in order to view it.

Here is the folder with both of the songs and lyrics – you will need to be logged into your fcboe account to access it.

You will need to memorize and perform one of the monologues below:

STEWY: Listen up, everyone! We didn’t have many people chosen today and Big Ham isn’t happy about this. Everyone needs to remember the rules. Don’t get dirty. If you do get dirty, you won’t get chosen and you’ll end up in the bin. Stay away from anything hot. If you do get hot, it will show and you’ll end up in the bin. Finally, don’t go too far from the section and make certain you’re back in your place – if you get lost and Al finds you out of the counter you’ll end up – where? That’s right – in the bin!

LEEK: You think all Leeks are just a joke, do you? That’s all we’re good for, is it? Well let me tell you something. If it weren’t for us, the Welsh would have been destroyed by the Saxons in the fifth century. St. David told the Welsh soldiers to wear leeks in their helmets so they could recognize each other. Because of us, they defeated the Saxons. The Welsh still celebrate St. David’s Day – and the leek. Even Shakespeare wrote about it in Henry V: “By this Leek, I will most horribly revenge.” So remember that the next time you crack a joke about me!

LEMON: Limey used to be my best friend. But then he got tired of hanging around, waiting to be chosen. He wanted to explore. He wanted to see all that was in the market. He even wanted to go out the doors, something no produce has ever done without being chosen. So one day he said goodbye to all of us and went out to explore the market. He never came back. Do you know where he is now? He’s behind a box of cat food. Yep. He’s just a fuzzy, moldy blob that’s slowly turning to dust. 

BIG HAM: What section has recently expanded? What products fill the sacred baskets more and more these days? What section poses the greatest threat to our survival? The produce section! (Meat gasp.) They sit there at the front of the store, in their nice display cases with their bright lights and cooling mists, while we are stuck in the back of the store in our cold, sterile coffins. Oh, but they are no longer content to enjoy their prime spot. Soon, they will come for our space. We must not allow them to destroy us! We must strike before it is too late! Are you ready to fight for your freedom?

POTATO: What more could I ask for? I spent the first four months of my life buried in the ground. Do you know what you see underground? Even with a lot of eyes? Rocks. Dirt. The occasional worm. That stuff gets old really quick. I’m not about to spend the rest of my life sitting around all day, waiting for something to happen. I want to see the world! I am no longer a root. I am a Large Idaho U.S. Number One Russet Potato and I want to live!

ONION: I couldn’t help it – I just got nervous. Why do they have to be so mean about it? It would be nice to have some friends. Maybe they just need a little more time to get to know me. I guess I could try harder. At least you’re different. You actually listen. You know, for the first time, I finally feel like I’m starting to belong. Thanks, Cucumber. You’ve been a real help. Cucumber? Cuke? Are you listening? You’re not even awake, are you? Why do I even bother? I’ll never fit in here.

CUKE: A few days ago this human comes over and looks at me. It picks me up and puts me in one of the sacred baskets with some other produce. I couldn’t believe it – I was finally chosen! Then it bumps into another human and it drops the basket. Everyone goes flying and I end up just under the edge of the display counter. I wait there, under the counter for hours. Finally, when Al is cleaning up he finds me and puts me back on the display counter. I thought it must be some kind of mistake. Surely the human would miss me. Surely it would come back for me. But it didn’t. So here I am. I was chosen! But I’m still here. 

GRAPE: Cucumber, you haven’t wasted your life because your life isn’t over yet. You can still do something with your life. There’s adventure to be had outside those doors. There’s new things to see, new people to meet and new parties to find. And maybe one day we’ll make it back here and we’ll tell the rest of the section about all of our adventures. But even if we don’t make it back, the produce will always tell the story of a grape who was starting to ferment and a cucumber who thought he had nothing to live for and how they found the courage to walk out of the doors and into the great beyond.

PINEAPPLE: Oh, it was horrible! First, I was put in the bag with all sorts of other products.  I met sugar, he was a sweetie, and someone named croissant – she had a nice accent but she was a bit flaky. Oh, and I met a captain. He was delightful. Crunch, his name was. Really, I wish I had gotten out more when I was here. But no, I decided to be a good produce and wait to be chosen. I mean really, with all those interesting people out there, we should go out and mingle! I know, all that talk about Limey, but really, isn’t that just to scare us? I say we go over to a new aisle right now and introduce ourselves. Why don’t we try the International Foods aisle? They’re so cosmopolitan. 

LETTUCE: Yes, we are just plants. And we all know that plants do not hurt people. But what about poison ivy? It makes humans itch. What about Venus flytraps? They eat flies. And what about big trees that fall over and crush things? We may be plants, but as plants, we have a choice. Are we going to be nice, friendly little houseplants? Or are we going to be strong, proud plants that stand up for themselves? My fellow produce, the time has come to make a decision. I will face the meat alone if I have to! You do not have to fight, but those of you who do will have the honor of knowing that you faced danger and did not wilt!

ANNOUNCER: They come from field, grove and greenhouse. They come from all over the world, but they share the same dream. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the newest members of our produce team! Direct from the Sunshine State, here comes Navel Orange! She’s gonna go fast at fifty-nine cents a pound. Hailing from the fertile fields of Idaho, let’s hear it for Baking Potato! This lovely specimen is available for only ninety-nine cents a pound. Straight from Georgia, give it up for Onion! Onion is priced to sell at fifty-five cents a pound. And now, let’s have a round of applause for the returning members of our produce team!

We have a cast!

Emails have been sent out to your school email addresses. If you did not receive an email, that could mean that I know exactly what part I want you to play. The cast list might be posted on Saturday, but I might have to wait until next Monday or Tuesday. I will post updates when I have a better idea on the time frame.

The competition one act play this year will be Much Ado About Nothing, one of Shakespeare’s comedies. Performances will be October 14-16, with the competition on October 23. If we are lucky enough to win regionals, the state competition will be November 20.

Auditions will be August 17 and 18, with callbacks (if necessary) on August 19 and 20. Auditions will consist of reading short scenes from the play. I will post the scenes we will use by Tuesday, August 10.

Auditions will be after school from 4-6pm. You will sign up for a one hour slot – 4-5 or 5-6. There is a sign up sheet on the drama room door.

If you want to audition, you should first familiarize yourself with the play. You can read the cutting we will use here: Much Ado About Nothing – 55 min edit You must be signed in to your fcboe account in order to access the script. You may also want to check the wikipedia page of Much Ado About Nothing for a summary.

DO NOT be intimidated by Shakespeare! Part of the audition process will be going over the meaning of the scenes, and part of the rehearsal process will be to work on understanding the play. I have chosen this play in part because I know you will be able to handle it. It will be a challenge, but it will be one that we can easily handle.