Monologues NOT to use for an audition

I (and many other drama teachers) have heard these monologues way too many times. You should probably NEVER use these for any audition.

Anything by Kellie Powell or D.M. Larson. You have not read any of their plays. All you did was google monologues.

“I need detention!” Yeah, the girl’s name is Harm, and you spent 30 seconds googling a monologue.

“I don’t like to be touched.” Let me guess: your name is Harm.

“Neverland 911, what’s your emergency?” NEVER use a monologue where the character is talking on the phone.

“I kissed a boy once. At least, I tried to.” 

“It does not say RSVP on the statue of Liberty.” Yeah, that’s not from a play. And are you just copying the movie? Oh, you just pronounced “Haitians” correctly, so  you don’t even know what this is from.

“Let me tell you something about Janis Ian.” I love Mean Girls too (that’s why I always wear pink on Wednesdays) but again, that’s not from a play. What’s worse is when the girl doesn’t realize the point of the monologue is to show just how ignorant and stupid Regina George is.

“I ate the divorce papers, Charles.” And I’m eating your audition sheet.

“I’ve always dreamed of being a hero.” Nope.

“I’m in line to see William Shatner.” Hmm, I’m starting sense a pattern here. And thanks for auditioning. Next! 

“This morning, a bird woke me up…” from The Fantasticks

Anything from You’re A Good Man, Charlie Brown, especially that coat hanger monologue!

“Excuse me Mr. Cornell, ah have tried to be neighborly…..” from Star Spangled Girl.