An open letter to Big Ham

Ms. Ham:

       It has come to my attention that you have plantnapped Zucchini, and that you are now threatening to peel her. In response, this open letter will be my first and only warning. As the more refined of the food groups, the produce section has given some thought to the motives behind this savage and unprovoked attack.

       Now, I understand that meat comes from animals, which in itself provides some insight to your barbaric behavior—since animals are not the most intelligent of creatures, perhaps your primal instincts are getting the best of you. We produce are also aware of the process of raising livestock, so perhaps you’re a bit hormonal. Knowing how easily hormones cloud one’s thought process, we will keep in mind that controlling impulsive desires takes time, patience, and maturity.

       Let me make this very clear: we will not hesitate to send in the more militant plants from our section. Return Zucchini or face the consequences of your uncivilized actions.


Lettuce Greenleaf


(Thank you Kaylee!)

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